Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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