Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.