If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
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Liz is crying about burritos again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
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like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.