Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
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my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom