I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.