Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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