Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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