why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
