things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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