I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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