Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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