my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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