You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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