why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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