i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
