I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
