I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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