you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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