cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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