How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
