i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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