hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
