Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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