I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
