Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
