Soap is not a condiment
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
