well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
