just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
