Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
