She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
