dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
