Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
