her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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