I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
