I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
