Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
