why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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