A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
