Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
