Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
