We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
