i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
