No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
