its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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