Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
