Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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