My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
