I just pynch a tree in the face
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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