dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
