she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
