You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
