so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
