We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
