I should be sponsored by Trojan
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
