She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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