I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
