Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
