I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
