i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
This is my gift to your gina
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
